One Step Closer
by Sailor Aurora Helios
Summary: Warnings: EXTREMELY DARK!!! -- Duo Maxwell has lost control. He can't take it anymore. He learns what it's like to break, and go over the edge.


**Disclaimer:** ME. OWN. NOTHING.

**Wanings**: ANGST! Shonen-ai is more than likely, knowing I'm a HUGE yaoi fangirl. Death, suicide, darkness. The typical Duo Angst that I just love! Sorry torturing Duo is mean I know, but he is such a dynamic character! IT JUST WORKS! *pokes Duo* I SORRY! 

Authors Note: Wow, I finally got a fic up. *rereads* Shit this is dark. 

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One Step Closer

By: Sailor Aurora Helios

            STOP IT!!!

_I cannot take this anymore  
I'm saying everything I've said before  
All these words they make no sense_

"Duo you ok?"

"Duo, why don't you talk to us anymore?"

"Duo, why are you closing your self off?"

"Duo please come out of your room and talk to us."

"Duo you need to stop doing that! You want to get yourself killed!?"

Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo! SHUT UP! That's all I ever hear now. Duo this, Duo that, Duo.. Duo.. Duo! Just leave me alone!

  
_I find bliss in ignorance  
Less I hear the less you'll say_

They'll stop eventually. I know they will. They'll eventually give up on me just like everyone else. Just like it says in my favorite Linkin Park song, "The less I hear, the less they'll say." 

  
_But you'll find that out anyway  
Just like before... _

They'll figure it out soon enough. I'm fucked up beyond help. No one can help me and my "problem." Feh! I don't have a god damn problem! Why do they think that the solution I came to is my problem!?  
  
_Everything you say to me_

"Duo no baka, are you listening to me?" Heero's voice rang through the thoughts in my head. I glanced up at him and smiled. 

"Yeah sure, Heero!"

  
_Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break_

I could visualize it in my mind. Every time Quatre gave me that knowing look, filled with sympathy and shit; Every time Trowa would try to talk to me about stuff; Every time Wufei didn't chase me around with his katana after I did something to piss him off……Every time Heero started acting human it was just sending me on another downward spiral. The guilt would well up inside me and I'd get the urge again.

  
_I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break_

Would they all just back up and stop worrying about me!? This is MY problem, not anyone else's! Just fuck off!

"Duo, are you ok?" There was Heero's voice again, his voice wasn't as cold as it normally was. Fucking bastard is trying to act human again!

"Yeah, I'm fine…" I said simply, and that was no lie. It's not my fault if someone doesn't know that fine stood for: fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.

"You're lying." Heero said, frowning. Since when did he care? "Duo Maxwell, tell me the truth. What are you hiding? What's wrong with you?"  
  
_I find the answers aren't so clear_

_Wish I could find a way to disappear_  
  


            "I… I uhm…" I was at a fault for words. How do they always know? I narrowed my eyes at the Japanese boy. "Why does everyone think there's something wrong with me!? Just because the loudmouth gets a little bit quieter than normal yall think I'm trying to kill myself!!" I could feel the anger rising, they weren't supposed to think like that. I saw the expression on Heero's face, a mixture of surprise and something else. God, I wish I could just crawl under a rock and disappear, Heero looked so… so… I don't know!

_All these thoughts they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Nothing seems to go away  
Over and over again_

            My mind was racing and I couldn't seem to make sense of anything going on. Heero was speaking but I couldn't hear anything coming from his mouth. I blinked several times and slowly turned. The only thing that made sense was one thought… and then I lost control.

  
_Just like before... _

Here I was again locked up in my bathroom, Linkin Park blasting as loud as I could put it with out my going deaf.  
  
_Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break_

Heero was pounding on the door yelling threats. I couldn't hear him over the music; even if the music wasn't on I was deaf to the outside world. One Step Closer ended again and began repeating.

  
_I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break_

I watched the crimson liquid seep from my arm and soak the blade I held in my other hand. Relief seemed to wash over me with the pain I inflicted on myself. Yes, I was most definitely fucked up.

  
_Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break_

The music repeated itself for the umpteenth time. I was lost in my own world. The lyrics flooded my mind and increasing my urge. Before I knew it there was several more cuts on my arm by the time the first chorus had ended.

  
_I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
Break…_

"I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break." I sand along softly. Each cut was one step. 

_Break…_

            I knew exactly what the edge was. What would happen if I went over it? What would the others do if I broke? 

_Break…_

            They wouldn't care. No one would care if Duo Maxwell committed suicide. I'm some meaningless street rat. I looked at the vein in my wrist; all I had to do was drag a blade across it. Maybe I should…

_Break…_

            I'm sick and tied of being sick and tired. I don't want to put up with this anymore. I want this constant fear to go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I can't take it…

_Break…_  
  


            "GOD DAMNIT DUO MAXWELL OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR YOU MORON!!!" Heero shouted as loud as he could. Something was seriously wrong. He could feel it.

  
_shut up when I'm talking to you  
shut up shut up shut up   
shut up when I'm talking to you  
shut up shut up shut up shut up  
I'm about to break_

I held my head in my hands. I could hear more shouts from outside. "SHUT UP!" I shouted with the music. Would they just go away!? I don't want to end up hurting them! No. Shinigami's Curse won't hurt them! I won't let it happen again! I'm taking control of my life one last time!!!  
  
_Everything you say to me_

There was a loud crash as the door was broken down. They're coming for me. I'm taking control.

  
_Takes me one step closer to the edge_

I looked down at my arm. One last time… One last cut… I've got to finish this. I've got to rid myself, and the others, of Shinigami's Curse.

  
_And I'm about to break_

            I took a deep breath and looked at the blade before placing it against my arm. No! I can't do this! I don't want to die! TAKE CONTROL!

  
_I need a little room to breathe_

            Heero looked around the room. He quickly moved towards the door. "Don't let me be too late!" He whispered. 

  
_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

            Heero tried to ignore the blasting lyrics. He kept his face calm, though fear was growing inside him. He grabbed the door knob to find it locked.

  
_And I'm about to break_

            I took a shaky breath and in one swift movement I pulled the blade all the way across my arm. I let out a cry of pain and my eyes went wide as the blade ripped through the vein and blood began pouring out. The sticky crimson liquid was everywhere in seconds. 

  
_Everything you say to me_

            I could feel my knees growing weak. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My face was deathly pale and my eyes looked almost dead and hollow. "What did I just do?" I murmured weakly. I could feel Death coming to claim me. "I don't want to die…" I whimpered and reached out to touch my reflection.

  
_Takes me one step closer to the edge_

            The door flew open and I stared at Heero's reflection. He has stopped dead and his face quickly grew pale with fear. The blade that was still in my hand fell to the floor with a loud clatter against the tile. I had never seen the Wing ZERO pilot look so afraid before. 

  
_And I'm about to break_

            I was too weak to protest as Heero quickly scooped me up into his arms and rushed over to the bed. He called out for the others, for someone to get an ambulance.

            "Don't bother…" I said weakly and struggled to keep my eyes open. Heero grabbed my arm and looked at the fatal cut and then at the scars.

            "Why?" His voice sounded broken and it pained me so badly. Did Heero actually care?

  
_I need a little room to breathe_

            "I was scared and sick of it all… I didn't want to deal with Shinigami's Curse anymore. I didn't want to get hurt by losing another person I cared about. I lost Solo, then Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. I can't lose someone again, so the only think I could think of to deal with the pain and fear was to punish myself. You all think I have a problem. This isn't my problem. It's my solution." Somehow I had found the strength to explain to Heero. 

            "You stupid selfish moron!!! Didn't you think about what any of us would do if we lost **you!?!" Heero's voice was filled with emotion.**

  
_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

            "I didn't think anyone would care if I died." At those words Heero froze. This was his fault, wasn't it? Heero silently cursed every time he had ever been cold to Duo, every time he ignored Duo, ever time he made him feel unwanted.

            "I care! I always did care!" Heero said suddenly. Before I could reply, Heero's lips were pressed against his own. "Ai shiteru, Duo Maxwell." He whispered in my ear.

            "What!?" My eyes grew wide with surprise and regret. "No… I… Heero…"

            "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you sooner! I'm so sorry, Duo!" Heero stared into my eyes.

            "Heero, I've loved you forever. I'm sorry; I'm a stupid baka just like you've always said." I said weakly as I couldn't stop the tears that flooded down my pale cheeks. I finally had the one thing I wanted and I was about to die. That's the story of my fucking life. Heero shook his head and held me closer.

            "No you're not. You made a stupid choice…"

            "Heero… I'll… I'll always be with you… I'll never leave your side… I love you."

  
_And I'm about to break_

            Heero held me closer and suddenly there was darkness. My eyes slid shut and I could no longer feel Heero's warmth. I was alone and cold.

            Quatre and Trowa rushed into the room to find Heero holding Duo's limp body close to him. He was murmuring under his breath and tears had begun to fall down his face. Quatre's eyes fell on the long, deep cut that went directly over a vein in Duo's arm and he turned and buried his face in Trowa's chest and began crying. Trowa held his blonde lover close as he stared at Heero. Wufei soon came in.

            "An ambulance is on it—" He stopped abruptly as he took in the scene. "Oh no, Duo…" He said quietly. Trowa and Wufei looked at Heero then each other knowingly. Their faces grew solemn as they heard Heero's soft words.

            "Duo, no… Koi, don't leave me here. You've cheated death before. I should have told you sooner, koi. Oh god, Duo, my koi." 

~*Owari*~

Wow. Where did this come from? *blinks slowly* Shit this is the darkest thing I've ever written, I think. Well, it's about time I got a fic up, ne? What did you think?


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